√-1 am me.
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Meh
It seems i’ve mastered the art of pushing people away… when anyone cares, if anyone wants to be there i cut them down. It seem i’ve caged myself with fear of letting anyone in. I’ll just keep living like i don’t give a fuck, it’s alot easier that way.
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Teenage Girls
Now to begin i’d like to state that i do not mean this in a patronising manner, but in modern society a majority of my female peers are going through something i call ’ the attention seeking phase’. Now, most girls generally go through it, but i find it hard to understand why you have to be seen as eccentric, using sexuality and mental health disorders as a trend, i suppose it’s because they want to be percieved in an interesting way. I recently stumbled across a status of one of my old friends status, basically stating she had depression and ‘ No-one knows how hard it is’. Firstly, depression is a phrase thrown about alot these days and if you genuinally are depressed why do you feel the need to publicise this on a social network? I hate the fact that i live in a town full of posers and people who self-stereotype, people who stick to some sort of uniform then totally contradict this by saying it’s them ‘expressing themselves’. No you’re just seeking acceptance, and as for acting, dressing and generally being eccentric you hide behind this to try to make people see you as interesting or different.
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Depression.
I always find it rather awkward talking about this, only because it’s a term over-used and has been cliche’d to the extent, where even the use of this word stereotypes you as attention-seeking. The harsh truth is, the majority of people in this world suffer with some degree of depression, some more so than others.
Last night, i got a lift home from my friends boyfriend, he drove incredibly fast trying to frighten me, he’s one of those ‘boy racer’ types you see, but as i was travelling at extremely high velocity and with the absence of a seat belt.. i started to think, what if i did die? who would actually care? and i mean this not to sound ironic or cliche, but as Tim Minchin once said, I’m a tiny insignificant bit of carbon? We all constantly search for purpose, my perspective of life is forever darkening, and i do not fear death, i fear leaving this world un-marked, if in my life so far i had changed the world for the better in someway just made someone elses life alot better, than i could die right now, happily. But still need to lighten up my mind somehow, damn society to heck.
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Tender 16
A wise man once said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose, and at the tender age of sixteen, i’ve accepted my ignorance towards the world, towards the people i’ve met and wrongly mis-judged at first glance, and to stop punishing myself for my previous childish mistakes, and finally make purpose. I suppose i possess some variety of complex where i genuinally believe that my purpose is to help people, to put smiles on the faces of the unforturnate, to be the ears to listen to a voice that isn’t heard.. and to appreciate the true beauty of a person not based on appearance. I have my whole life ahead, i can’t wait to change peoples lives for the better, whether it be me buying a homeless a man a Mcdonalds ( which i have done before mind you) or simply just being a shoulder to cry on, i will make a difference, insignificant to the world, but it means the world to me.
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Mindfuck.
And at this time of morning i reflect on the small things that amounted to nothingness, i’m quite aware i’m playing the role of the cliche heartbroken teen, but it seems the lack of oxytocin and dopamene that once drove me have dissapeared, it literally is giving up drugs, trying to move on from a person you once thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.
‘ the trace of your loves ghost, i seek on a strangers lips’
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